Tolstoy said, "One can live magnificently in this world if one knows how to work and how to love." Agreed; however, doing both at the same time can be problematic. More and more people are finding love at work. Indeed, Vault’s 2008 Office Romance Survey revealed that 46% of respondents had been involved in an office romance at some point in their career. According to Dennis Powers, author of The Office Romance: Playing with Fire and Not Getting Burned, employers should acknowledge that romance at work is normal and acceptable. Maybe so; however, a poll conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management revealed that the majority of business executives still think that office romances are unprofessional and wreak havoc on morale. What prevents employers from celebrating with the happy couple when Cupid’s arrow strikes at work? Here are a handful of reasons:

Public displays of affection. Kissing, caressing, and exchanging longing looks are fun for the couple, but not for everyone else. What’s the harm to others in a few stolen kisses between lovers? According to Joni Johnston, Ph.D. and CEO of WorkRelationships.com, “Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than seeing co-workers smooching.” Except if they walk in on the couple doing more than that. Twenty-three per cent of the respondents to Vault’s 2008 survey who said they had been involved in an office romance admitted to having a tryst at work (3% were caught, which is significantly less than the 17% who admitted to being discovered in the 2007 survey). Talk about your public displays of affection! Rendezvousing employees reported being discovered in board rooms, engineering labs, stairwells, and office kitchens, which leads us to:

Misuse of company time and resources. Board room tables and kitchen counters aside, in-love employees most often misuse the company computer and company time during their romance. One employee at a software company admitted that when he first got romantically involved with a co-worker, “We would instant message probably about half the day.”

Perceptions of favoritism. According to the Vault survey, 15% of respondents had dated their boss or another superior and 15% had dated a subordinate. This type of coupling often leads other employees to think that promotions, pay increases, and other perks given by the superior to the subordinate are based on the romantic relationship, which causes resentment in others. In an article published in the Journal of Management, author Gary N. Powell stated that, “Two kinds of romances have the most damaging effect on group morale and organizational effectiveness, (a) hierarchical romances in which one participant directly reports to the other, and (b) utilitarian romances in which one participant satisfies personal/sexual needs in exchange for satisfying the other participant’s task related and/or career related needs.” Additionally, a joint survey sponsored by Glamour magazine and Lawyers.com found that respondents had the most problems with office romance when it was between a superior and a subordinate.

The threat of a sexual harassment lawsuit. Superior-subordinate relationships make the employer especially vulnerable. While it is true that some office couples eventually marry, most do not. Most dating relationships end, and somebody usually gets hurt. If the superior breaks up with the subordinate, then the subordinate might claim that he/she was forced to submit to the advances of the superior, which is a form of sexual harassment called quid pro quo. If the subordinate breaks up with the superior, the superior might retaliate against the subordinate in some way. Acts of quid pro quo and retaliation are very expensive, and the employer almost always ends up paying the bill. However, the superior/subordinate relationship isn’t the only one that can lead to a sexual harassment lawsuit – anyone (management, rank-and-file employees, customers, and vendors) can be found guilty of creating a hostile work environment through romantic dalliances or comments and behavior of a sexual nature. Again, the employer almost always pays if it happens.

So, what’s an employer to do?

Employers walk a fine line between protecting the workplace and interfering in the privacy of their employees. Most organizations that attempted to ban dating among employees abandoned the idea because of legal restrictions and because it didn’t work. (California law prohibits employers from taking action against employees for lawful conduct off the job except when it causes an actual or potential conflict of interest, interferes with business operations, or creates potential legal liability, for example, sexual harassment claims.) Said Judith Sills, Ph.D., in an article published in Psychology Today Magazine,  “As every manager, attractive single, or HR consultant has already discovered, romance at the office can, at best, only be held in check. No policies or lawsuits will ever eliminate it entirely.” I would venture to say that employers don’t want to eliminate romance, they just don’t want it to hurt the workplace. Again, what to do?

First, do what is legally required. According to the California Chamber of Commerce, employers are required to display a California Department of Fair Employment & Housing poster, which includes information about the illegality of sexual harassment, “in a prominent and accessible location in the workplace.” In addition, employers are required to distribute an information sheet, which must include specific information about sexual harassment (this is in addition to any policy in a handbook or posted policy). Finally, employers with 50 or more employees must provide two hours of sexual harassment training to supervisors every two years (new supervisors must receive the training within the first six months of hire or promotion).

Additionally, employers should consider:

• Having a sexual harassment policy in place and communicating it to all employees on a regular basis.

• Telling employees that verbal, visual, and physical conduct of a sexual nature can be construed to be sexual harassment, are inappropriate at work, and will not be tolerated.

• Letting employees know what behavior is allowed. For example, asking a co-worker out on a date is not a problem; repeatedly asking out a co-worker who repeatedly says no is.

• Training supervisors on how to discreetly address overt sexual behavior at work.

• Making it a policy that superiors cannot date their subordinates.

• Having employees who are involved in romantic relationships sign a love contract that   clearly indicates their mutual consent.

• Telling employees who to contact if they are subjected to inappropriate and/or unwelcome conduct and that they will not be retaliated against for speaking up.

• Immediately intervening if anyone makes an employee feel uncomfortable.

A participant in a sexual harassment workshop that I conducted told me that her daughter was a hostess at a restaurant and was bothered by a customer who would sit at the bar and stare at her. When she told her manager that the customer made her feel uncomfortable, her manager replied that, because the man was a customer, there was nothing he could do about it. Wrong! Employers must protect their employees from behavior that makes them uncomfortable, even when customers are the ones causing the discomfort.

Enamored employees should:

• Weigh the pros and cons of a potential relationship very carefully before proceeding. In her article Danger: Office Romance Ahead, Roberta Chinsky Matuson points out that, “Your romance may color everyone’s judgment with regard to promotions, projects, team building, and responsibilities. The relationship could make it more difficult for your department – and depending on your position, your company – to operate effectively.”
Additionally, consider what will happen if the romance ends. Says Judith Sills, “Sheer awkwardness between the former lovers tends to jeopardize the career of one. Now you’ve lost your lover, your concentration, and possibly your job, a high price to pay for a failed shot at love…”

• Determine whether your company has a policy regarding dating and/or fraternization and what you need to do to adhere to the policy (tell your supervisor, report to human resources, etc). If you will be required to sign a love contract, consider carefully whether your love interest is really contract-worthy.

• Abstain from PDAs. That means, according to Sills, “no closed-door stolen moments; no tie straightening, crumb brushing, or other proprietary gestures. If you must have an office romance, don’t have it at the office.” And, this should go without saying, no private trysts in board rooms, kitchens, etc. either.

• Resist the temptation to send cutesy and/or dirty emails to each other, especially ones with inappropriate pictures attached.

• Refrain from dating superiors and/or subordinates. If the attraction is so strong that you just can’t resist, transfer to a different department or do something to change the reporting status.

• Remain professional at all times – when the romance is fun and exciting and when (if) it ends.  

Bertrand Russell said, “The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge.” Let’s all be guided by knowledge and thoughtfulness when addressing the issue of love at work.